The rate of failure of marriages is rising everyday. More marriages contracted today are likely to fail than those of say 50 years ago.
Success is no respecter of persons but of principles. Success is not an accident.
There are many keys to success in marriage but I will just discuss five. They are Powerful preparation, Powerful relationship with God, Positive communication, Productive Partnership, and Practical perspective.
1. Powerful preparation. Winning teams take time to prepare. They prepare to win. They prepare for all possible scenarios. They practice how to defend against free kicks. They even prepare how to play with a man down. Doctors are licensed to practice after about 8 years of training. Most people never take time to prepare for success in marriage. That you know how to sleep with someone or that you have a degree does not mean you are prepared for marriage. You must take your time to prepare yourself by reading books, attending seminars, asking questions, growing spiritually, etc. Prepare for the journey. The level of your preparation determines the level of your success.
2. Powerful relationship with God. This gives you two things: winning principles and prevailing power. Your spouse must not replace God. Adam knew God before he was given a wife. Eve married Adam before they sinned. The first thing to find out in choosing a life partner is how born again and how close to God he or she is. Marrying an unbeliever is completely out of the question. You must have a sound prayer life; a sound study life and the ability to hear from God. That comes by giving him time. Give God your ears. If God cannot have your ears, there is very little He can do to help you. Learn to switch off everything and observe a quiet time with God daily. You need this especially when the going gets tough.
3. Productive Partnership. All partnerships are not productive. You cannot have a productive partnership
o Without a common purpose
o Without common values-you must define family values and strive to live by them: values like honesty, personal growth, worship, etc
o With someone that is exactly like you. The most effective partnership is one in which both partners bring something to the table that the other person does not have. That way they can compliment each other. That way there is mutual respect. My wife has a thoroughness, intuition and drive that prevent me from making costly mistakes in my quest for results. I listen to her. The essential ingredients of productive partnership are commitment, honesty, faithfulness, hard work etc
o With someone who is selfish. I was watching a football match one day in which a striker was face to face with the goal keeper. He took a shot and the goal keeper saved it. But they could have scored if he had just passed the ball to his team mate on his right who was at a better advantage to put the ball into the net. They lost that chance because he was selfish. To win, you must learn to pass the ball. It does not matter who scored the goal as long as the team wins. The role is not as important as the goal. To have a winning team, you must be prepared to put your partner before yourself.
4. Positive communication. A man lost his job, came home quiet and depressed. He told his wife he was on a little break when he failed to prepare for work the next few days. He simply said he had no money when house keeping money finished. The wife, after sometime, started thinking he had started to have an affair outside. It was later she discovered her husband had lost his job.
o Talk to each other clearly, simply and sincerely. Silence is not the best way to communicate what you want; your spouse is not a mind reader. Lack of adequate information is the foundation for assumptions. Assumptions have destroyed more marriages than anything else. Anger is not also a good way to communicate displeasure. The fire of anger may sometimes be difficult to control.
o Maintain trust; it is the foundation of success in any relationship. Something is wrong if you step away from your spouse to answer your call. What are you hiding? Never lie to each other. A lie is also when half truth is released and something is withheld with the intention to deceive the other person. That is not sincere communication. All vital information must be discussed promptly and wisely especially if it is likely to be offensive.
o Listen more than you talk. This is important for the man.
o In addition to speaking to each other, you must learn to speak each other’s love language. What makes you spouse feel loved? You may be working hard and yet your spouse does not feel loved. I have heard some men say, ‘I work hard and I provide all that you need; you lack nothing. What else do you want from me?’ Gifts may not be your wife’s love language. May be spending quality time with her is what makes her feel loved. It could be affectionate touch, or helping out with household chores. Here are the five love languages according to Dr Gary Chapman:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
Find out your spouse’s love language and begin to speak it. it may not be easy at first, as it is with learning any new language but the rewards are enormous.
5. Practical perspective. Know the difference. Women and men are essentially different. Let me point out a few differences.
o Women process by talking; men process by thinking and in silence. A man may appear uninterested when you are talking to him but he will show up days later and say ‘that thing you were talking about’.
o Women remember more details than men. Be careful what you say because she will quote you exactly after ten years; giving you the date and time you said it. It is due to the nature of their brain.
o Men enjoy the result; women the process.
As you apply these principles, I pray your marriage will get sweeter in Jesus name. Have a blessed week.
Rev. (Dr.) Charles Olowojoba is the Snr. Pastor of Dayspring Bible Church, Sabon-Lugbe, Airport Road, Abuja & President, Dayspring Christian Ministries Int’l. e-mail:
dayspringcm2000@yahoo.com
