Why Some Women Cannot Enjoy Sex

QUESTION:

My wife is sexually frigid. There is nothing I do sexually that moves her. Please help me, I am getting frustrated. What can we do?

Mr. Jones

Sexual frigidity can be a problem in marriage, but this article will go a long way in helping to educate the likes of Mr. Jones and his wife.

According to the Oxford Advanced Learner dictionary, frigidity in women is the lack of the ability to enjoy sex. With about 7 billion people on earth and over half of this number being women, it is not impossible some women are born physically incapable of experiencing orgasm. When a woman finds it impossible to experience orgasm or enjoy sex, the problem is usually emotionally caused and not physically induced. That is why it has been said that a woman’s greatest sex organ is her mind. There is no reason why every woman should not have regular and frequent orgasms, if she wants to. No psychiatrist has ever seen a woman with this condition who was raised by loving parents in a warm, secure family environment. Most women who suffer from orgasmic impairment suffered serious emotional deprivation during childhood and after.

It has been discovered that women raised by loving and caring parents usually enjoy the pleasure of lovemaking more than those raised by cruel and unloving parents. This is so because the warm father-daughter love relationship experienced during a girl’s formative stage plays a very important role in whom she grows to become. That is why every father must open his heart and his arm to his daughter at all times, and this I can say, is strange to the norms in Africa, where the girl-child is seen as “her mother’s child” while the male-child is embraced and cuddled by the father.

As a father, opening your heart and your arm to your girl-child now will not only help to build her self-worth and give her a sense of belonging, it will also inform the kind of relationship she will have in the future with her husband and children. Every time a father engages in acts that can turn his daughter off from him, he is sowing a negative seed into her future. Fathers need to know that they are the first contact their daughters have of the opposite sex. Whatever they believe of you is what they will believe of every man including their future husbands.

Sexual frigidity is usually a result of emotional withdrawal from the opposite sex that can be well developed by the time a girl is six years. Cold, selfish fathers are the greatest cause of cold, frigid women.

Dealing with a frigid wife
Frigidity in women can be overcome with great determination on their part and with tender loving care from their husband. A man with a frigid wife must know it is not by her making that she is that way, and also know that his wife’s rejection of him is not about him but a carryover from childhood. She is the way she is because of the nasty treatment she got from her father and therefore, in order to help her, he must do all to prove to her that he loves her and that he is not like her father.

This is definitely a task that requires some patience.  Every action should be kind and tender. Avoid raising your voice at her because this will only remind her of how her father treated her in the past as a child, and make her see a similarity in you and her father, and convincing her that you are different will be difficult. Treat her with dignity and respect both in the public and private, and gradually she will come out of her cocoon. And once her mind becomes cleared, her body will be responsive.

Why get married at all when you know you are frigid?
This is a common question husbands of women suffering from frigidity ask their wives, but such men need to know that many of these women are not even aware they have such a problem. In fact, many of such women were eager to get married because they wanted to get away from their fathers and because they were in search of the love they missed at home. They find themselves in marriage before they realise they are unable to open themselves up and receive the love of their husbands. And many times, they have no clue as to why it is so. They just believe they are so because that is who they are made to be. It takes a psychiatrist or somebody knowledgeable in this field to open their eyes to the root of their problem and when this is done, the problem is half solved.

What if as a woman I don’t like sex and I don’t even want to like it?
This is most likely a result of your resentment for your father which has now been transferred to your husband. Over the years, because of your experience with your father and what you have come to believe of men, you have built a shell of psychological self-protection around yourself and this has stifled your natural flow of emotions, making you a selfish person that is only concerned about herself, incapable of receiving and giving love. And this of course is not the way God designs us to live. By the law of cause and effect, whatever you do not sow you cannot attract. The truth is, if you do not make serious effort in changing your stand, it may cost you your home. This is because this kind of attitude, rather than protect us, hurts us the more. Emotional self-protection doesn’t really keep you from being hurt, for it wounds everyone you love and consequently you yourself.

Apart from the above reason for sexual frigidity in women, a good number of women may also experience what I call secondary sexual frigidity. This occurs over a particular period in life when they suffer emotional trauma as a result of happenings in their lives such as uncaring attitude of their spouses, or neglect from their spouse over the years. Thus, they close up emotionally, and resent anything call sex. And since sex is a thing of the mind, it becomes impossible for them to enjoy it.